Why Do Social Struggles Emerge as Children with ADHD Grow Older?
"I don't have any friends."
Many parents of young children with ADHD notice that their child seems socially engaged and eager to interact with others. They might be the life of the party, the class clown, or the child who’s always seeking out new friends. However, as these children grow older, social dynamics often shift, and parents may find that their once social child begins to struggle with friendships. This change can be confusing and painful to witness.
Children with ADHD often struggle with peer rejection and fewer friends. They mature more slowly than neurotypical children in many areas, which can affect their ability to understand and use social cues. It’s not uncommon for me to hear things like, “no one likes me” or “I don’t have any friends” from kids with ADHD — and I know those words hurt parents. Kids with ADHD are more likely to be bullied than neurotypical peers. They may also be more likely to interpret non-bullying behaviors as being bullied due to years of hearing negative comments and developing self-doubt.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt
Do you ever find yourself spiraling into a pit of self-doubt after a seemingly harmless comment or replaying social interactions in your head, convinced you did something wrong?
Understanding these social challenges can help parents support their children through these difficult years.
Early Social Behavior in Children with ADHD
Young children with ADHD often display high energy, creativity, and enthusiasm in social settings. These traits can make them exciting playmates in early childhood when social interactions are often simple and activity based. In preschool and early elementary school, play often revolves around shared activities like games or imaginative play, which are less reliant on complex social skills.
Children with ADHD may also seek out stimulation and novelty, which can lead them to initiate interactions and appear socially outgoing. Their impulsivity might even be perceived as spontaneity, which some peers find entertaining or engaging.
Social Struggles Increase with Age
As children grow older, the social landscape changes.
Friendships become more complex, and peers begin to value qualities like emotional reciprocity, shared interests, and the ability to follow social norms. Children with ADHD can struggle adapting to these changes due to developmental delays. Intelligent (even gifted) children with ADHD can have significant delays in development.
Research shows that children with ADHD will demonstrate a developmental delay in attention, impulse control, and executive functioning. They function approximately 30% behind their neurotypical peers. The older a person is, the wider the gap (30% of a bigger number is larger), so differences become more apparent and problematic.
This delay affects working memory, emotional regulation, and self-control. Brain development still follows a typical pattern, eventually catching up in adulthood. This developmental pattern can make children with ADHD seem immature compared to peers, but they are not less intelligent.
Understanding these differences in development that lead to immaturity can help parents and educators provide appropriate support, fostering skill development and self-esteem.
Difficulty with Social Cues
Children with ADHD often struggle to read and respond to social cues. They might interrupt conversations, miss subtle signs of disinterest, or fail to recognize when they’ve upset someone.
While younger peers may overlook these behaviors or even enjoy the silliness, older children and teens are less forgiving and may start to distance themselves. They may be annoyed at the distraction in class and not want to sit near anyone who is likely to get them in trouble or distract them from what they need to do.
Impulsivity and Emotional Dysregulation
Children and adults with ADHD often have problems inhibiting their emotional reactions to events as well as peers.
It’s not that the emotions they experience are inappropriate, but that those with ADHD are more likely to publicly manifest the emotions they experience than would someone else. They seem less able to internalize their feelings, less able to keep thoughts to themselves. Little triggers can lead to big emotions — quickly.
Impulsivity can lead to behaviors like blurting out inappropriate comments, dominating conversations, or acting without considering the consequences. These behaviors can annoy others and make it harder to maintain friendships.
Inconsistent Social Skills
Social skills in children with ADHD can vary depending on their mood, environment, or level of interest. They might excel in one-on-one settings but struggle in group dynamics.
Despite seeming to be outgoing due to being talkative, they often struggle with social anxiety or feel overwhelmed when there’s a large group or noisy environment. This inconsistency can confuse others, who may not know what to expect from one situation to the next.
Reputation and Peer Perception
As children grow, their peers become more aware of social hierarchies and reputations.
A child with ADHD who frequently disrupts class or has difficulty following rules may be labeled as “difficult” or “annoying,” even if they have a kind and caring heart. These perceptions can lead to exclusion.
Lagging Social and Emotional Maturity
As mentioned above, ADHD often involves developmental delays in executive functioning due to brain maturation patterns.
Even your child that excels in certain areas can be delayed in others.
A child who can do math several grades ahead of classmates might not be able to remember something as simple as turning the homework in the next day.
Another child who reads grade levels ahead might not be able understand why a certain behavior is considered undesirable.
A child who is academically gifted can struggle significantly remembering all the things that must happen to get ready to leave the house in the morning on time.
A 10-year-old with ADHD might behave more like a 7-year-old in certain situations. A 17-year-old may act more like they’re 12 in areas of executive functioning. This immaturity can make it harder to connect with peers who expect age-appropriate behavior and is one reason people with ADHD tend to befriend others with ADHD or enjoy being around younger children. Neurotypical same aged peers notice the immaturity as their interests change and mature. They leave their childish friend behind for those that are on the same social-emotional level.
How Parents Can Help
While these challenges can be disheartening, there are many ways parents can support their child’s social development:
Teach Social Skills Social skills like taking turns, listening actively, and managing emotions can be taught and practiced. Role-playing, social stories, and coaching can help children learn these skills in a safe and supportive environment. TEACH Me ADHD uses a coach approach to teach these skills online in a detective-themed course for 8-12-year-olds and theater-themed workshops for 13-18-year-olds.
Encourage Structured Activities Organized activities like sports, clubs, or hobbies provide opportunities for children to interact with peers in a structured setting, reducing the pressure of unstructured socializing. It might take several tries to find something of interest, but don’t give up! If they’re not a group sport person, maybe theater, dance, or martial arts may be more their thing.
Foster One-on-One Friendships One-on-one playdates can be less overwhelming than group settings and allow children to build deeper connections with a single friend. If your child struggles to name anyone they’d like to invite over, ask the teacher if there are others in class who might be in a similar social-emotional stage that might make a good friend.
Model and Reinforce Positive Behaviors Parents can model empathy, patience, and good communication skills. Praise and reinforce your child’s efforts when they display positive social behaviors. If you struggle with this (and who doesn’t?) consider parent behavior training. It helps!
Address Emotional Regulation Helping your child learn to manage their emotions can improve their social interactions. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or learning to reframe negative thinking can be helpful. Working with a therapist can help kids learn emotional regulation. TEACH Me ADHD uses a coach approach to teach these skills online in a detective-themed course for 8-12-year-olds and theater-themed workshops for 13-18-year-olds.
Work with Professionals Social skills groups, therapy, or working with a coach can provide targeted support for children who struggle with social interactions. These resources can also help children build confidence and resilience. Ask your school counselor and physician for local resources. ADHDKC (Kansas City’s CHADD Chapter) has a list of local professionals for the KC Metro.
Promote Self-Awareness and Advocacy Learn about ADHD — knowledge and understanding helps immensely. The National Resource Center on ADHD (NRC) was established to be the national clearinghouse for the latest evidence-based information on ADHD. Use their resources on the CHADD website and learn from professionals well-versed in ADHD. If you like webinars and podcasts, check out Additude’s list of upcoming and recorded webinars or Understood’s podcasts. As children grow older, helping them understand their ADHD and how it affects their behavior can empower them to advocate for themselves. How to ADHD is a popular video series to learn about managing ADHD. Teaching them to explain their needs and apologize when necessary can go a long way in repairing and maintaining friendships. The TEACH Me ADHD course for 8-12-year-olds is designed for parents and kids to learn together!
Get Support Find local or online ADHD support groups. CHADD has a directory of their chapters as well as online forums. ADHDKC is my local CHADD chapter and offers free online events for parents of kids with ADHD each month as well as local in person events. ADHDKC also has new online forums so you can join the conversation!
A Path to Connection
While social challenges are common for children with ADHD, they are not insurmountable. With understanding, patience, and the right support, children can develop the skills they need to build meaningful and lasting friendships. By fostering a strong sense of self-worth and teaching social resilience, parents can help their children navigate the complexities of growing up with ADHD and thrive in their relationships.
Remember, you’ve got this!
Thank you so much for this!! I have wondered for a long time why my child went from having friends in grade school to having none in middle and high school. This post is the best explanation I have ever read and I am so grateful! It also explains my own social struggles which is such an enormous relief for this late diagnosed ADHD mom.