Understanding Anxiety:
Why We Need It and Why We Respond the Way We Do
Anxiety is a feeling that we all encounter at different times in our lives. It’s that tense, uneasy sensation that can quicken your heartbeat or make it hard to concentrate. If you’ve ever felt nervous before a big test, an important game, or meeting new people, then you’ve experienced anxiety.
Experiencing some anxiety is completely normal — and it can even be helpful.
Anxiety is part of being human. It’s your built-in system designed to protect and motivate you. I often remind kids and teens that without anxiety, they wouldn’t take the precautions that keep them safe. Imagine not worrying about traffic — you’d step into the street without looking both ways, putting yourself in danger. So, in many ways, anxiety helps keep you alive and well. Learning to manage it with healthy coping skills can help keep anxiety in check.
The real challenge comes when anxiety takes the wheel. Let’s say you’re standing at the edge of the road. You’ve checked, and there are no cars coming, but you’re still too worried to cross because you’re afraid a car might suddenly appear. In this scenario, anxiety has taken over, and it’s no longer serving you — it’s holding you back. To move forward, you need to regain control and let your thinking brain take the lead.
Something to watch that models healthy coping skills
I was recently looking for something to watch that was light and short. Netflix recommended Geek Girl, so I took a chance on it. I’ve found it to be delightful. The main character is a socially awkward and bullied teen who identifies as a geek but gets recruited as a model.
This show has many enjoyable aspects, such as its portrayal of strong family bonds, the importance of being a supportive friend despite conflicts, and how the main character manages her anxiety. She demonstrates healthy coping strategies when triggered and works through her self-esteem challenges. I recommend watching this show with your tweens and teens as a way to discuss conflicts, emotions, and behaviors.
Learn to normalize having anxiety and using healthy coping skills together!
Why Do We Get Anxious? The Science Behind It
Understanding why anxiety occurs is the first step to take back control.
Anxiety is part of a system built into our bodies that goes back thousands of years. In the past, our ancestors faced real dangers, like wild animals or dangerous weather. They needed a way to react quickly to these threats to stay safe. Our brains developed a "fight-flight-or-freeze" response — a way of reacting fast to protect us from harm.
Fight off the enemy.
Flight (run) from danger.
Freeze. Inability to talk or move.
Some also include Fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict.
The Brain’s “Alarm System”
Anxiety starts in a part of the brain called the amygdala, which acts like a personal alarm system. I like to think of the amygdala as a watchdog. The watchdog is always on alert for danger and barks when it thinks you may be in harm’s way. Like the dog, when the amygdala senses a possible threat or worry, it sends signals to the rest of your brain and body, telling you to be on alert. This causes the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which makes your heartbeat faster, gives you more energy, and sharpens your focus.
Back in the day, these responses helped our ancestors stay safe. Today, even though we’re not facing wild animals, the same response can help us prepare for challenges like tests, presentations, or sports. Anxiety in small amounts helps us stay alert and motivated to do our best.
When Anxiety Becomes Overwhelming
While a little anxiety can be helpful, too much of it can make us feel stressed or panicked, which isn’t helpful.
To explain how the watchdog (amygdala) can keep you from doing what you need to do, I want to introduce you to the wise old owl. The owl represents the frontal lobe, the part of our brain that is involved with decision-making, problem-solving, impulse control, speech, and other important functions. When the watchdog barks, he scares away the wise old owl. When anxious, we’re not able to use the thinking part of our brain well — we can’t think straight or even speak sometimes. We need to quiet that barking dog to let the owl return so we can use our frontal lobe properly.
If you’re finding that anxiety is getting in the way of things you enjoy or stopping you from doing your best, it might be time to explore some techniques to help keep it manageable. We need to calm down that barking dog so the wise old owl returns!
Ways to Manage Anxiety: Simple Tips That Work
Managing anxiety doesn’t mean getting rid of it completely. Without anxiety, we are at risk of harm, so we need to have that watchdog (amygdala) looking out for us. We need to realize though that the watchdog sometimes barks at non-threatening situations. How many times have you heard a dog bark in warning when a friend comes to the door? The dog owner must calm the dog down, otherwise it may jump on the “threatening” visitor.
Much like the dog owner calming their dog when it’s barking, we need to learn to calm our amygdala. learning how to keep it in balance so that it doesn’t overwhelm you.
Some strategies to calm the watchdog in our brains include:
1. Practice Deep Breathing
When you’re feeling anxious, your body often feels tense and your breathing might get faster. Taking slow, deep breaths sends a signal to your brain that you’re safe, which helps to calm down your body’s alarm system.
How to Do It: Try breathing in deeply for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale slowly for six counts. Repeat a few times, and you’ll likely feel more relaxed.
2. Challenge Anxious Thoughts
Anxiety can make you focus on “what if” thoughts that might not be entirely true or realistic, like “What if I fail?” or “What if everyone laughs at me?” Learning to challenge these thoughts can help you see things more clearly.
How to Do It: When a thought makes you anxious, ask yourself: “Is this thought based on facts, or is it just a fear?” Turn a negative thought into something positive to change how you feel about the situation. Remind yourself of times you handled challenges before or times when things turned out better than you expected.
3. Get Moving
Exercise is one of the best ways to burn off extra adrenaline and cortisol, the hormones that contribute to the anxious feeling. When you move, your brain releases endorphins — chemicals that help you feel happier and calmer.
How to Do It: Any kind of movement works! Try going for a walk, doing some jumping jacks, stretching, or playing your favorite sport.
4. Use Grounding Techniques
We tend to ruminate about negative things in the past or worry about the future.
When you’re feeling anxious, grounding exercises help you bring your focus back to the present moment.
How to Do It: There are many ways to learn to ground yourself. One popular grounding technique is the “5-4-3-2-1” method. Look around and name:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
This can help shift your focus from your worries to the security of the present moment.
5. Practice Mindfulness or Meditation
Mindfulness and meditation are about paying attention to the present moment without judging it. Research shows that these practices can help reduce anxiety by calming the mind and body.
How to Do It: Find a quiet spot, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. If your mind starts to wander, gently bring it back to your breath. Apps like Balance, Headspace or Calm offer guided meditation exercises that can help, too. Read reviews in your app store to find one that’s best for you.
6. Get Enough Sleep and Eat Well
When you’re tired or hungry, anxiety can feel much stronger. Getting enough sleep and eating balanced meals can help keep your brain and body in balance.
How to Do It: Aim for 8–10 hours of sleep a night and try to eat regular, balanced meals throughout the day.
7. Talk to Someone You Trust
Sometimes, talking to a friend, family member, or counselor can make a huge difference. Sharing your feelings with someone who listens and supports you can help lighten the load and give you a new perspective.
How to Do It: If you’re feeling anxious, reach out to a friend or family member and say, “I’m feeling anxious about something. Do you have a few minutes to listen?”
Takeaway: Learn to Live Thrive with Anxiety
Anxiety is not all bad, and we can all learn to recognize triggers and use healthy coping skills to work through it and thrive.
Learning to manage anxiety can take time, and it’s okay to try different strategies until you find what works best for you. Anxiety doesn’t have to stop you from doing things you love or reaching your goals.
With the right tools and support, you can turn anxiety into a source of strength that helps you face life’s challenges with confidence.
If it all still seems overwhelming, or you feel your teen would learn better in a group setting, I’m offering two online workshops in December that are designed to help teens learn to recognize and manage anxiety: Turn Down the Volume and Magic on Stage.
Excellent substack!